Monday, October 30, 2006

My Halloween Mask.

I am a little pathetic at times. Ok, a lot of the time. I am a little afraid of everything, wear a mask to look like I am super confident. At the same time I am a little scared that people will see through my thin mask and realize that I am really just faking my way through life most of the time. Fake it till ya make it, right?

I would love to do adventure races, but since I hurt my knee a couple years ago on a frozen lake in Minnesota I am a little scared of the pain in my left leg.

I would love to be a "real" musician and have people hear the music that I write, but I am a little scared that people will find it to be total crap.

I would love to preach more, but I am a little scared that I will run out of stuff to say and that the stuff I do say will be uninspiring. And who wants that?

Why is it this way? Why am I full of doubt about myself these days? I work with a lot of 18 and 19 year olds and their self confidence oozes everywhere. When I was 18 I was so full of confidence in myself that I bordered on being an arrogant bastard. But today I just wear a thin, cracking mask of confidence to shield the fact that I feel utterly clueless.

In the States I would get upset at times when we would work a conference and there were special youth ministers that were treated as VIP's because they had a large youth group. I started thinking how we have become so arrogant in ministry that we have lost touch with the humble servant that we are to be serving. It had become about clothes and lights, stage presence and how much merch we moved. Of course Jesus was the reason we were doing what we were doing, but was it the main reason or did we want to be featured in a magazine or asked to perform with bigger christian celebrities?

I think the "biz" got to me and I wanted nothing more than to run away from that life. However, in my running I think that I ran so far past the world of humble confidence and into a world of self-hatred and insecurity. Brennan Manning writes in Ruthless Trust, "Humble men and women do not have a low opinion of themselves; they have no opinion of themselves.". In my insecurity, I am just as focused on myself that if I wanted everyone one to see how great I was.

I want to be a man that does great things for God and if the things I do aren't great, well at least I gave it a hell of a try. I no longer want to be a scared little boy crying at day care watching his mother drive away. I want to do my best all the time and if people don't like it, oh well, it's not for them anyway. I want to run the race, write the song, and inspire the masses. I want to get off my lazy butt and make the most of this life that I am faking my way through right now. Most of all I want to take this mask off because it's not me and I want to reintroduce myself to me again. We used to great friends. Live your life the best you can and stop wasting time being scared, even if it's just a little. Cheers.



Suzy said...

So, does this mean that you and Timmy are gonna audition for the Amazing Race?!? Oh yeah.

betsy said...

oh man. i have TOTALLY been dealing with that...after everything that went down when we were in colorado i have only just (in the past 6 months) made huge steps towards figuring out who I am and that my mask was a lie and a cage. took another knee injury to make me stop and take time out of going through the motions. Figuring it out is the first takes time, but every step feels better. and maybe every step you're only unvailing part of your true self...but that's ok, relish each step as you gain back your freedom from that fake one. and just put one foot in front of the other. Just be yourself Chris! whoever that is, one day at a time. and this in no way takes away from the fact that i think you and rachel are freaking amazing as all get out. I will pray for you my friend!

Jana Hunter said...

We ALL wear masks, everyday.We have one mask for who we are at work, another for family, another for our friends, etc. I don't know ANYONE who consistently wears the same mask all the time. It is impossible to do. The only One who ever did was Jesus. The really great thing is that GOD sees beyond every single one of our masks. HE sees the true "us"! I hate to tell you, but I am 52, and STILL don't know who I am! I imagine God will let me know when I get to heaven.
Oh, I know what I like and don't like. Who I love and don't love. Who I think loves me and who doesn't. But that is not really knowing ME.
I am scared all the time. I am scared that my students, parents, and colleagues will see that I'm NOT that great of a teacher. I am afraid everytime I am with a group that I will look and/or sound stupid.
I just want you to know this. The people who love you, which includes me, can, most of the time, see through the masks to your heart, which is huge! And, in the end, isn't it the "heart" that counts, and not the face?
I love you, and praise God everyday for providing my daughter with the best husband she could possibly have!

Christie said...

At the risk of sounding overly simple after such deep comments. Great post Chris! I think many of us do that but aren't honest enough to say it. ;) Hope you guys are doing well. Miss you crazy redheads loads.